Youtube comments again.

I was watching the Miley Cyrus "Party In The USA" video (total jam by the way). This is my favorite comment.

MostyPwnage (50 seconds ago) 0 Reply | Spam
she has big 00 in this one. but in the show she has small 00

Does 00=eyes?...teeth?...knees? Ohhhhh, now I know what it means. Throw some D's on it.

Bluetooth.

What is the plural of "bluetooth?" Blueteeth? Really?

Strike a pose.

Here is a pretty accurate visual representation of my behavior when I'm hanging out with my family.

Reload.

I was watching a video of Katy Perry on youtube (which I refuse to post on here) to see if she could actually play the guitar. The first comment made me laugh out loud. I still don't think I'm over it.

listonseven (12 hours ago)
get her a ukelele, don't cover those cans!!!

Pokey, raise up.

I talked to my main man TyTy the other day. He seems to be doing well. He also told me that he's been keeping shit far too gangster on the Southside of Illinois. Just for me.

The Realness.

I enjoy reading the comments on YouTube more than I like watching videos. Once in a while you find a gem of a post. Here's one taken from Jay-Z's "Run This Town" video:

thuglife84xxx (3 minutes ago)

nobody is whining...just trying to wake you people up...because you have absolutely no clue whats goin on in the music industry...believe that...this is highly satanic...sheeple wake the fuck up...YOU ALL LIVE IN A SMALL IGNORANT BOX...THERE IS SO MUCH GOIN ON IN THE WORLD YOU DONT KNOW ABOUT... and the only thing you people do is working and watch TV and admire your idols...so sad


I'm not sure YouTube comments are the best forum to voice this opinion. But thuglife84xxx is just trying to keep it real. Ha.

My Posse.

Steve Harvey once talked about how many people are on stage at rap shows. He talked about the confusion that takes place when trying to figure out which knucklehead is the person you came to watch. He was absolutely right. The Temptations only used one mic. How many do you think they got going on at this concert?

At this point why even have a stage? They should have just had a party and passed out microphones and told everyone to scream a word or two of the lyrics, hell, even some random shit would have probably worked. This is Hip-Hop at its very finest.

Here is a list of things I like about Boston:

-Marty

Patrick Kane.

If you know anything about me, you know I am passionate about hating certain things. What tops that hate-filled list? Hillbillies. Ha. Obviously I really just hate their ignorance. Hillbillies aren't necessarily white and poor, they can be rich and asian (is that the exact opposite of white and poor? or would the exact opposite be Gucci Mane?). I often find that people who are "upper class" indeed have no class at all. They are just plain ol' hillbillies. Patrick Kane is not an exception.

I once read that what makes us human is our ability to justify anything we do, no matter how hillbilly it is. I don't think that is the only thing that makes us different than other animals (see "creepiness") but I can see how this is the case in Patrick Kane's scenario. The past few days people have been going around saying, "Well he's only 20, let the kid make some mistakes." If a 20 year old pulled down his pants in the corner of a room at a family party and took a piss, people would not make excuses for him. He would just be labeled a "hillbilly." Or "one of us" if you are in the Southern states. To me, this hypothetical situation is comparable to Patrick Kane beating a 62 year-old fellow hillbilly. When I was 20, I had enough sense to not go around beating 62 year-olds over a couple of dimes. We ask 18 year-olds to fight in the military, to aim guns at brown people and shoot if necessary. Most have enough sense to shoot at things that may cause harm. I very much doubt they would lose sleep over four nickels.

No doubt Patrick Kane is a hillbilly. Everyone knows that but hell, the kid can play. Like everyone else I don't think the problem lies with him. Unlike everyone else I think the problem lies within us. When hillbillies attack, we sit around and act just as hillbilly as them by saying, "Well he's only 20." By justifying stupidity and ignorance, we in turn become the hillbillies. And no doubt, most of you reading this surely fall under this category. Patrick Kane's hillbilly rage got the best of him over 20 cents. All he really needed was 2.

Finally.

I was gone for so long because I was trying to find the best dancer on youtube. Turns out I found the best dancer in the universe. OK, now back to talking shit.

7th Letter Of The Alphabet.

Yes!

Yes!

Definitely YES!

Check out the 2009 graduating kindergarten class at the school my mom taught at. All of "hip" Urbana could not even come close to matching these little dudes' steez. Not a single person I know could pull these ridiculously fly suits off. While everyone is wondering what denim to buy for fall, these little dudes just keep shit straight classic and classy.

Little pimps, big pimpin.

FTW.

For a few months I've always overlooked the e-expression "FTW." I never had a clue as to what it meant and was far too lazy to look it up. Thanks to Urban Dictionary I found it means "for the win." Which I still don't understand. Let me try to use it in a highly fictional scenario.

Josh - Wow.
Marty - Yea man, alright fuck this I'm going to go talk to her.

Marty - Hey, it's really coming down out there. What is up with all this rain?
Hardbody - ...

Hardbody walks away. (N)FTW for Marty. (N=Not). I think that's about right. And this scenario is fictional because I would have never gone up to talk to Exhibit A. I would have just stared at her until she was uncomfortable enough to leave. That's my life, dig it.

Life 2.0

I like this painting.

There is still hope.

I think almost every guy has asked the question, "Why do all the hot girls go out with such douchebags?" Except for the guys that are the "douchebags" of course. Then the only question they're asking is, "Can we keep the lights on?"

I, personally, don't see it like that all of the time. Sure, in college it was depressing to think that the never ending popularity contest was indeed never going to end. But this dude Marko Jaric, gives me hope. He may be an NBA basketball player, but he is not a superstar and from what I can see he is pretty painful to look at. I don't think it's the picture that is doing him an injustice. It's his eyes. Look at how unbelievably close together they are. Literally. I actually don't believe that's what he looks like. I think someone must have Photoshop'd this. I guess in the end, I don't really care what he looks like. Eyes that are too close together is easily overlooked when you have that type of hardbody hanging off your arm. Good for him.

Twinz.

Why isn't rap music like this anymore?

Evolution.

How have we evolved into a small-talking, singing-into-computer-cameras, pathetic species? Answer #1: MySpace.

Keep Guessing

Keep Guessing from The Basement Productions Chicago on Vimeo.

Starring: Jason "Denzel" Merritt-Moore
Written by: Me.
Directed by: Josh Henning

If that doesn't work watch it in "HD" on youtube here

Yes.

There are still a few things worth looking forward to.

Mac Commercials.

Whenever a song no one has ever heard of is featured in a Mac commercial, the song receives overnight success. I just didn't know this dude was the one who wrote this song. What a liberal bunch.

Leo D.

I may deny saying this later in life, but oh well, Leonardo DiCaprio is the fucking man. I'm not very up-to-date on celebrity sightings but as far as I know, he's never caught doing lame shit. Like being seen at some "I'm Famous" party partaking in Hollywood talk, or dating some actress who thinks she's mega hot and ultra talented but really fails at both (see Cameron Diaz, she is in good shape though). Instead he only rocks with top notch breezies like Ms. Rafaeli.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Leonardo dates Rafael[i], while wearing Donatell[a]. That's all I got.

Still about the Bulls.

Although the Bulls are no longer hooping for the trophy, I would like to make sure that everyone knows that it has always been about the Bulls. All the other Chicago teams pale in comparison...literally, have you seen all the black guys on the Bulls?

Oh yea. This is the picture we're going to use when Al goes missing for a few years. The Feds will never figure out that the prime suspect is also pictured. And that mu-fucka ain't wearin no Bulls hat.

Bro Rock.

I'm not sure this is 100% real. Just a typical night with some bros.

Dirty South-west Airlines.

They get nasty on Southwest. Looks like that's the only airline I'll be flying these days.

That's right.

It's all about the Bulls. Bitches.

America!

Let's be grateful that this guy is holding his peter hostage. I just can't imagine what he was trying to accomplish with this picture. Sex? With what species of animal?

Observe and Report

I have never been more uninterested/scared of a movie release than I am with Observe and Report. It's not that I'm sick of Seth Rogen or the fact that him and his gang of "normal" white guys keep coming out with the exact same movie under a different name. It's because this new Mall Cop movie really provides a scapegoat to all the people I talk shit to (millions). Never once have I seen myself, physically speaking, in a character more than that of these two silly looking chinamen. Well, I guess that's not entirely true. Every time I see Mr. Denzel or Will Smith droppin' the hammer on some bitch ass motherfuckers I find myself saying, "Yea, that's like what I do."

This is comparable to when "McLovin" was a huge success among all the Will Ferrell worshipers. All the short white guys with glasses had to hear, "McLovin, boom chicka wah!" Or whatever other stupid shit that mark ass bitch had to say for himself. Now, I'm going to have to hear, "What's up Yuan twin, [insert unoriginal catch phrase here]," from all those I've offended. Not cool at all.

One of these days there is going to be a movie where a little asian lookin dude saves Kristen Bell or Jessica Biel from a terrible relationship because of his charm and intelligence. Actually, I wouldn't bet on it.

Ying Yang Twins to Change Name After Another Brother is Found.

The Hip-Hop culture in America has finally gotten its much-needed makeover. After weeks of DNA tests, it has finally been proven that the young gentleman pictured above is indeed the third part to the Ying Yang gang.

“You know whenever they whispered on that one song, they as in my new brothers Kaine and D-Roc, I listened and just felt a part of me in the crunk-itude,” said Marty C. newly named “M-Cizzle,” by himself. “It’s a soft ‘C’ sound.” The overwhelming happiness could not go unnoticed as M-Cizzle stood up at the press conference and said he’d like to see the all-male group of news reporters “whistle while they twurk,” making it obvious he didn’t fully understand the meaning of the expression.

It hasn’t been all smiles though. Kaine and D-Roc, the original twins, had harsh words to say about their new brother. “Dude corny, plain and simple,” said Kaine the one responsible for the weird screaming that accompanies most Ying Yang Twins tracks. “I mean, first of all he’s from Chicago. We the Kings of the ATL, how the hell do he think he a part of this?”

Planning on moving to Atlanta to be closer to his family M-Cizzle talks excitedly about meeting his brothers. He also has new ideas for the fading rap duo, “I’d like to whistle on some songs and you know I love my brothers, but I think the grunting and yelling in the background has really been a bit lackluster on their latest tracks.”

D-Rock, still not knowing what to make out of all the news, has been a little bit more open-minded, “You know, I talked to Marty the other night and he seemed like a nice dude and all and had some really good ideas. He talkin’ about getting back to our roots. Singin’ and rappin’ about shit we love. Clothes, bank rolls, and hoz. I agree. We’ll make it happen.”

The news has come as a shock to many Hip-Hop heads around the country but many are curious to see what will happen with the new member of the group. Hip-Hop sales have been down because of the lack of creativity and dishonest portrayal of what should be embraced in the music. When asked recently if M-Cizzle will be the breath of fresh air Hip-Hop music needs, Kaine replied, “Does this mu-fucka even know we ain’t real twins? We ain’t related. Who did these DNA tests? Now we gon’ have to be the Ying Yang Triplets? That don’t even make no sense.”

The way I see it.

I wish we could walk through life like this.

Now you see it, now you don't...

Jason found the video that Ivica must have learned his tricks from. Unbelievable.

If you feel like a pimp.

Brush them shoulders off boy. Whatever came off of J-dogg's shoulders made Phil sneeze. Pimp dust?

Dopplegangster: Eddie McCahill.

If Eddie looked like a kid but was really a midget, this is what I think he would look like. And act like.

?

I have no idea.

Dopplegangster: Me in 5. Or Al minus 5.

I was watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall yesterday and this dude made a 2-second appearance so I had to take a snapshot of it. Besides the two main hardbodies in the movie, it was probably the only other part I enjoyed.

Everybody has to start somewhere.

You don't have to leave the house.

I can't say this boggles my mind because I've become accustomed to reading things that make absolutely no sense. I really don't like being used to that. "Online Fitness Coaches." I can see it now. A fitness instructor, fully clothed in spandex, head band, and one of those Garth Brooks microphones that connects to your ear and makes its way to your mouth. The instructor of course wouldn't need any of the fitness gear, that would just be to trick their client into thinking they were actually working out.

This is what it would look like when the fitness instructor needed to motivate the client to get a few more reps in. Of course the person on the receiving end wouldn't be able to take such verbal abuse and would be forced to squeeze out a few more sit-ups. Or if they didn't feel like it they would just turn the volume down or just not do them. After all, what the hell is the instructor going to do? E-punish them?

If I were a dad.

I'd definitely own massive amounts of those underwear.

Math Homework. Part 2.

A conversation between Todd and I, trying to figure out some complex math formulas. And obviously getting somewhere.

Math Homework.

please click

As you can see from Chart 1, there seems to be a strong positive correlation between intelligence and shirt-wearing. The sample was a simple random sample and since there wasn't enough intelligent people to gather data from, I had to make up some hypothetical results that would further prove my point. So we can see that there is some sort of relationship between the intelligence of a person and how often that person wears a shirt.

The same study was done in the southern American states (home to primarily Jerry Springer's audience and guests). The data depicted in Chart 2 kind of fucked me up a bit. The data points got so lumped together and overlapped in the bottom left of the chart that I had no idea what kind of correlation there was. I would have created a hypothetical "intelligent" data set but I'm not too sure it exists in this region.

So it looks as if the study proved my hypothesis.

Everyone leaves Chicago for New York City.

Hypnotic Underground from moriza on Vimeo.

Oh really.

It is amazing that a leading journalism establishment like The New York Times thinks that its encoded messages will go unnoticed. I must admit, racism is usually pretty beautiful when it takes you a few minutes to realize what is actually going on. This is a perfect example of it. At first I believed that it was just another white guy shot at Asian and/or brown people. What better way to tell Asian people that they are the scum of the Earth? If you're racist against their brown clouds that pretty much leaves nothing left. First it was the Asian long horn beetle. Now the Asian Brown cloud is abusing affirmative action and all the white clouds are at an unfair disadvantage. Then I realized that this isn't only an example of being racist towards inanimate objects, but also social commentary on just about everything brown. Mr. Henry Fountain describes us as, "...an unpleasant, unhealthy and climate-affecting of sooty haze that envelops the region, particularly in winter." Why particularly in winter? Last I checked, we all come from warm regions of the Earth, so when it is cold outside we tend to stay indoors wearing our sombreros, or Rastafarian hats, or these things while we watch Jerry Springer hoping our relatives made the final cut.

If white clouds are rain I wonder what brown clouds are. Gravy? Dookie?

Blu.

Probably the only relevant thing in Hip-Hop these days.

BenJing: A Tribute

I have far too many right-looking pictures of Ben J. to post on this at once so I'll share a few at a time. Not all of them are unflattering. Take a look at this picture. It was taken in Hong Kong right before we got our drink on. There is nothing like drinking Baijiu out of what looks like gasoline containers. They were given to me as a birthday gift. One was 65% alcohol and the other 80%. We decided it would be a good idea to start off with the 65% one and take it from there. I should have been a bit more cautious because a worldwide rugby event was taking place which meant shit tons of Australians were around. And we all know what I think about Australians. Anyways, after a full night of uninterrupted zombie mode, I somehow remembered to set my alarm for 9am the next morning to make sure we were able to get McDonalds breakfast, only to find out later that breakfast is served all day.

This was the first time I had Baijiu and probably the last. I wouldn't have wanted to share it with anyone else. Well, if ScarJo was an abusive Baijiu drinker, Ben would find himself on the curb in a little minute.


("BenJing" copyright Todd J.)

Todd, here it is.

Joaquin Phoenix rapping.

The best Inaugural Address.

The award goes to James Garfield. "Government" first, "God" last, and a bit of "Negro Supreme" right in the middle. That's the way it ought to be.

Obama's Inauguration.

With all the hibbity-hoopla over Obama’s victory and the inauguration just around the corner, I’ve started to think about what this inauguration means to me. People of all colors, especially African-Americans, feel a special sense of accomplishment and optimism. I understand that. However, for me personally, Obama being the first African-American President raises some concern. No, not for the stereotypical reasons that most people attempting to mask their racism have. I don’t think he is going to have a watermelon garden or paint the White House black. Those ideas are ridiculous but there are many who believe them. Personally, I think he is going to ruin Hip-Hop music for the next four years.

My fear isn’t that we are soon going to see President Obama hustling his own mixtapes at UN meetings. No, it won’t be that forward. With songs like Young Jeezy’s “My President Is Black,” Nas’ “Black President,” Joel Ortiz’s “Open Letter to Obama,” and TI$A’s “Obamaway,” we have come to a new low in Hip-Hop music. With lines like “This is real and not for play, Imma vote Obamaway,” and “My President is Black, my Lambo is Blue,” plaguing the radio waves, I’m trying to brace myself for the most unoriginal period of Hip-Hop. And that will be saying a lot considering the past few years.

So tomorrow, as Barack Obama is sworn in, I’ll be torn into two. America has better days coming but I’m not sure I can say the same for Hip-Hop.

Probably the worst song ever:


P.S. The day Obama's face shows up on currency is the day Hip-Hop will be back. "I'm makin it rain Obamas on all them bitches." Absolutely beautiful.

January 16, 2009.

U.S. Can’t Find Peace With A Broad
by Marty C.

After eight years, President George W. Bush wasted no time on Thursday night mentioning the struggle to find peace with a broad. The 9/11 attacks that left America shocked were his introduction to the ongoing problems he sees, “We must continue to engage the world with confidence and clear purpose. In the face of threats from abroad, it can be tempting to seek comfort by turning inward. But we must reject isolationism and its companion, protectionism. Retreating behind our borders would only invite danger,” Bush said earnestly.

The stock market has been on a steady decline and unemployment has risen sharply. With America’s wallet shrinking and people becoming more skeptical of their financial futures, a sense of depression has begun to sink in. Nick Fiorentino from Chicago’s South Side said, “It’s just unbearable how the threats from a broad have effected my life. They complain about everything we do. They say we have all the power and they are treated unfairly. Fuck that. This proves they control each and every one of us. What are we supposed to do when they withhold the goods for selfish reasons? We used to man up and take it, but now we’re all afraid. God help us.”

Similar opinions are heard at the church Fiorentino attends, as numbers have skyrocketed since the threats from a broad initially began.

“Let us overcome these hard times. This is the time to ask God for forgiveness and pray for help, for God is the only one who can shield us from the antagonism and hatred we have received from a broad,” Father O’Donnell preached to a packed house last Sunday. “The number of churchgoers increases dramatically in times of hardship. Instead of putting all their attention on money, people shift their faith towards God.”

It is apparent that America has been living in fear the past 7+ years because of threats from a broad. The whole world has watched America eagerly to see the response.

“Canada, doesn’t have a problem with a broad because we’re understanding and listen to what they have to say. We respect them,” said Ian Lowrie, a Canadian citizen.

For now the question still remains. How will America overcome the harsh criticism from a broad? An American, who asked to remain anonymous, had harsh words for the whole situation saying, “A broad can suck my dick.”

I am so confused.

How is that his ballbag? Seriously, how is that even possible?

King's Back (almost)

The countdown done begun for the big man's homecoming. GQ shot.

The Ol' Sexist Marty!

The "liberals" are out to get me. So what if I like to threaten girls with my g-string? Is that such a crime? Anyways, to calm my out of control sexist comments, I figured I'd take a stab at a beautiful love song about not being able to sleep in Brazil.

This little love song was written by the infamous Patty Cakes. I'm not really sure who the song is directed towards but my guess would be his girlfriend, or as a sexist like me would put it, his main...nevermind. I really didn't know most of the words to this lovely little tune but I figured I'd give it a go anyways. This is to all the couples out there who think they are better than everyone else. My sexist hat (which is insulated with female pubic hair) is tipped to you.

Marty C.

P.S. The C stands for Cunt.

Banksy.

NOTCOT: Banksy's Village Petstore & Charcoal Grill from Jean Aw on Vimeo.

One of the coolest dudes in the world.

A few recommendations for me.

Ok, let me set this straight. I only looked up Jason Mraz recently to see how that guy could still be famous. Ya know, what kind of music he was coming out with that kept the middle-aged panties melting. I'm not really sure you'll believe that but what the fuck ever.

I'm more proud that Ralph Tresvant was recommended for me. I've never heard of this guy but after watching the video I can see how his white suit with no shirt combo parallels my attitude towards life. But on a serious note, what the hell? It seems as if I'm into some of the lamest shit ever.

Check out Ralph's video. I didn't know there were black people named Ralph.

The Truth.

2008 was the worst year of my life.

Marty