January 16, 2009.

U.S. Can’t Find Peace With A Broad
by Marty C.

After eight years, President George W. Bush wasted no time on Thursday night mentioning the struggle to find peace with a broad. The 9/11 attacks that left America shocked were his introduction to the ongoing problems he sees, “We must continue to engage the world with confidence and clear purpose. In the face of threats from abroad, it can be tempting to seek comfort by turning inward. But we must reject isolationism and its companion, protectionism. Retreating behind our borders would only invite danger,” Bush said earnestly.

The stock market has been on a steady decline and unemployment has risen sharply. With America’s wallet shrinking and people becoming more skeptical of their financial futures, a sense of depression has begun to sink in. Nick Fiorentino from Chicago’s South Side said, “It’s just unbearable how the threats from a broad have effected my life. They complain about everything we do. They say we have all the power and they are treated unfairly. Fuck that. This proves they control each and every one of us. What are we supposed to do when they withhold the goods for selfish reasons? We used to man up and take it, but now we’re all afraid. God help us.”

Similar opinions are heard at the church Fiorentino attends, as numbers have skyrocketed since the threats from a broad initially began.

“Let us overcome these hard times. This is the time to ask God for forgiveness and pray for help, for God is the only one who can shield us from the antagonism and hatred we have received from a broad,” Father O’Donnell preached to a packed house last Sunday. “The number of churchgoers increases dramatically in times of hardship. Instead of putting all their attention on money, people shift their faith towards God.”

It is apparent that America has been living in fear the past 7+ years because of threats from a broad. The whole world has watched America eagerly to see the response.

“Canada, doesn’t have a problem with a broad because we’re understanding and listen to what they have to say. We respect them,” said Ian Lowrie, a Canadian citizen.

For now the question still remains. How will America overcome the harsh criticism from a broad? An American, who asked to remain anonymous, had harsh words for the whole situation saying, “A broad can suck my dick.”