Superman that ho.

Look at the size of that canvas.

This country is going places.

That's all I have to say about that.

Only MJ gets songs like this.

Charles Barkley's 4 favorite people in the world sing about MJ.

Mike Fernandez is a good guy, no doubt about it.

He's an idiot.

He admits that this might be the biggest waste of money in the history of currency but seriously, what the fuck? 190,000.00 Japanese Yen later (a bit over $2000) I'm not sure what exactly he accomplished. Things he could have accomplished with $2000 bones:

Well I was going to make a list but basically he could have had a ton of badass shit. Including, but not limited to, 400 minutes with the ladies in the windows in Amsterdam (I did the Math).

No Mike, thumbs fucking down. That thing better be able to save white women stranded atop skyscrapers, a highly unlikely scenario to begin with.

The beauty of missed connections.

"you honked at me from your station wagon - w4m (wicker park)"

"who are you? i couldn't make anything out through your window, besides a smile."

Craigslist is pretty unbelievable. Whenever I read the "missed connections" posts I either find myself muttering, "What a bunch of stupid motherfuckers," OR, "Man, I should try this out." I haven't yet been brave enough to look over the "m4w" missed connections because I'm nervous that most of them will be unbelievably perverted. I don't know how many, "I just want to stick my face in your booty"-comments I can handle...without wanting a booty for myself, to possibly stick my face in. But seriously, if I wanted to be a witness to full-fledged man-talk, I would just go to the YMCA or the Country Club (two completely different demographics) and listen to them talk about all things important in their lives: "pussy." (Sorry Barb, I just want you to know that I don't participate in these conversations. I just laugh and sometimes instigate. Nothing more, after all, I'm just a witness.)

Anyways, after wondering what I would do if I read a post that was directed for me from a "w" I quickly realized that even thinking about that possibility was absurd and a waste of time. Who would go out of there way to try to get to know me? Most likely someone too pathetic for me to give a chance. But I can't deny the idea that maybe these little posts will help me think of some sort of plan into coming up with a way to trick hardbodies into thinking I'm a cool guy. After a lot of, "I saw you on the Red Line wearing a black jacket, you looked at me a few times. I should have talked to you. I just want to let you know I want you to do more than just "look" at me,"-posts, there were too many strategies that have never helped me in the past. I stare at hardbodies all the time, and not once have I seen them pay any positive attention. Negative attention, indeed (I like to tell myself they change cars on the Blue Line because our car is too crowded. Too crowded with little asian perverts is probably the real reason.) After much research I'm still trying to figure out the ultimate strategy.

However, I did notice the progress some other guys are making.

I once heard an Irish comedian talk about how absurd it was that construction workers whistle at girls from five floors up. "Do they actually think the girl is going to drop her grocery bags, scale the scaffolding and do whatever the construction worker was planning on doing?" I sometimes wonder the same thing when males honk at women in their cars. Mexican dudes are the best at it. I've seen them honk at women from two blocks down, not taking their eyes off of them while continuing to obey all rules of the road, even stop signs and traffic lights. It is indeed a Jesus-given talent. This specific Craigslist post shows that Mexican dudes are finally succeeding at winning over women, one honk at a time.

Also, the fact that this dude was driving a station wagon while honking at this woman further lets me know he was indeed Mexican.


Get your honk on! It just might work.

The End.

I firmly believe it's tacky to make fun of the idea of suicide. However, I've gotten great joy at making fun of people that I believe should at least consider suicide. Just kidding. Kind of. Anyways, when I read this book was being released electronically so it would be more readily available to the target market (old people), I couldn't really believe that such a thing could exist. The title is indeed more thoughtful than one titled "Suicide for Dummies." I could imagine a Fall Out Boy-listening suburban kid, sick of school lunch, coming to the tipping point by merely look at the title realizing that their pathetic-ness is embodied in them seeking out a book that will help them figure out how to kill themselves. It might not get more pathetic than that. (I'm aware that I am basing this on a false assumption that this book is for people depressed from something other than old age suffering).

I love the fact that there is a "revised international edition." The only reason I could think of a need for revision for international purposes is because some unfortunate people in South America figured out that jumping off of a four foot tall hut made out of garbage wasn't going to achieve their goal. Even if they attempted a head first Olympic-like dive.

The thing about this that really puzzled me the most is that there are people who rated it on Amazon. I have several problems with this. If this is a book about the options in ending life, how are the people who read it alive to post a rating? Five stars for what exactly? I refuse to believe that anyone would read this for fun. A light summer read.

One reader posted, "...it is the only game in town at this time as far as I know so I'm glad that I have it in my library in spite of the high cost. " Huh? If you are looking into ending life. What does it matter if it the book cost $35? This guy might be the cheapest person ever. "I was going to end it all but it was just too damn expensive." (Good name for an Emo band?)

"Knowing that I have this book is such peace of mind for me and my boyfriend because should anything happen I want to control MY outcome." I can't even imagine how many times this couple has cried after sex.

"I gave it 2 stars because of the typography..." Wait...what? "You know I checked out this book from the library the other day and I thought it was going to tell me what pills I can take and where I could get them to kill myself but I could never get past how annoying the font was."

In a way these reader's opinions of the book perfectly embodies my idea of the type of people who need a book to tell them how to end life: people who never get over complaining about everything and anything...and then I read over everything I've ever written on this blog. A little too close to home.

Pretentiousness at its finest.

Dan found the most pretentious cd name to date. Marnie Stern's
This Is It and I Am It and You Are It and So Is That and He Is It and She Is It and It Is It and That Is That.
I found the most pretentious concert. A description of the show: We'll blindfold you, sit you down and Francisco will bombard you with ominous, environmental sounds, densely layered into dynamic abstraction and thunderous noise, until you can't help but create your own meaning for them, removed from all vision.

I can guess who will love both.

The Real John McCain.

At 3:31 into the video I suddenly had an epiphany. My vote is for John McCain. Backhandin' bitches since day one.

McCain's chance.

With the polls heavily favoring Obama, we should begin to wonder how the government is going to help McCain win. It should be rather obvious. After 5+ years of searching for the mean mothatrucka responsible for 9/11 the American people are desperate for change. Change in the plot of the surreal movie that has been taking place in this country for the past 8 years (subtitled Life in America). Change that results in a climax.

Let's face it, the main reason McCain and that cuntface (I forget her name) like to promise "victory" in Iraq is because they know that most Americans spend most of their time either watching shitty blockbusters or attempting to make their lives into shitty blockbusters. Rambo never loses. The Terminator never loses. Rocky never loses (except for that one time). If this were American logic class we would be able to deduce that America never loses. And Stallone almost never loses.

So in the next month expect the government to dress up a local tamale man with a beard and turban and call him Osama Bin Laden. McCain will parade around America claiming that if we would have trusted Obama and pulled out of Iraq, we would have never found Osama. It just might work. If people don't believe it's truly him, the government will just say it was a bad attempt at spicing up Halloween...and I'm certain most Americans will at least believe that.

Fresh shades.

I would like to look this cool.