Unfair.

Mr. Death Cab for Cutie is laying the smack down on Zooey Deschanel. Hardbody to the max degree.

I'm still trying to decide if I should be happy about this or not. On one hand, I'm not a fan of Death Cab for Cutie and the "I'm A Pussy!" anthems they create. But on the other hand, this guy is an ugly ass dude that tricked a total dime piece into thinking he was cool and "deep." That should be a sign that there is still hope for me and my kind. You know, the "I'm too good for everything and talk shit about things because I'm insecure" kind. Don't act like you don't know! After all, you are reading this...

Larry had a point.

In the "Christ Nail" episode of Curb, Larry tells Cheryl's father that worshipping a guy is a bit gay. He then goes on to talk about how it would better appeal to him if it were a woman. Good looking woman, good sense of humor. He was definitely onto something...

Playboy later apologized saying that they didn't mean any offense by the image. What a god damn joke. Of course they knew it was going to offend people. Everything offends those people. Anyways, it's not like Playboy's target market are church-going evangelicals, so we won't see a decline in their sales. They knew that. As far as this Virgin Mary goes...Jesus.

Loose Leaf Tea Loft

For the four people who read this blog "regularly." First I must thank you. Thank you. If you don't already know, a new buddy of mine named Conor (not the little dude) opened up a tea shop with his girlfriend Michelle. I stopped by yesterday and was really impressed with the setup, tea selection, and the idea that some people actually work towards their goals. If you like to sit around and write novellas as much as I do, this is a perfect place.

It's on Lincoln just north of Irving Park Rd. on the corner of Lincoln and Hutchinson (4229 N Lincoln). Tell all your friends.

Ching Chong Chinaman.

The very first Vietnamese-American was elected to the House of Representatives by the people of Louisiana. He even admits that he only won because there was a really low turnout since the election was held a month after the Nov. 4th election and people were already back to their bullshit lives. Anh "Joseph" Cao. I love the fact that the name he goes by regularly needs to be in quotations. White people thoughts: I'm sure this "Joseph" thinks he's "American" but we all know his real name. It's Charlie.

I'm glad there is a black dude in the white house. It definitely shows that America is progressing somewhat when it comes to race issues. However, I'm also happy because he's not an Asian dude, which protects my right to bitch about everything and anything. Until an Asian dude is in the big office giggling at jokes a little bit too hard causing his frizzy hair to vibrate, I will continue to blame the "man" for all of my problems. This dude also needs to be bad at dancing but badass at karaoke. If all of these stereotypes are fulfilled, I may rethink my whole life strategy. But until then, let's laugh at this Vietnamese-American conservative idiot. I bet he is going to own some n00bs in Congress.

And if you don't know what "own some n00bs in Congress" means. Congratulations, you're not Asian!

-Marty

What Winter usually brings.

As it gets colder and darker out, many people slip into what could be called depression. With people hiding away in corners of their lives (not just for winter), I decided I'd try to cheer them up by Google-ing the word "depressed" and picking out my favorite pictures. (Googling?...that sounds kind of perverted...Example: "Hey Mark did you see Sally at work yesterday? What I would give to go Googling in that ass(hole)!" "You're not kidding bro!" 2) Barb: "Marty what are you Googling?" Marty: "Myself.")

What these people and graphic-type things must be thinking:

What the four holding hands are singing to the sitting one: "C'mon Michael, Dad didn't mean all those nasty things he said about your nose."

This dude must be seriously depressed because I found him on two different websites with two different pictures.

"Lord, please make Bright Eyes come out with a new CD. I promise to take a shower if you fulfill my prayer."

"ANOTHER FUCKING CONOR OBERST SOLO ALBUM! GOD DAMNIT!"

(Or maybe "I can't believe Laura dumped me.")

"This chair sucks."

"Like most people I have nothing to be depressed about. But it's so fun to pretend!"

I'm not sure this was labeled correctly:

Him - "This is FUCKING AWESOME!"

Her - "He's going for the eyes again."

Oh yeah:

"Now the couple holding hands in this Bus Station lobby, only remind me of a time when I was alone As they whisper softly quiet sweet words in A foreign language that I’ve never heard This city’s tiring, but I Can’t escape it now It’s a cup of coffee far too strong for Consumption or snobbish delight Or a nightmare, waking up staring, searching for your face just to clear my head This city’s tiring, but I Can’t escape it now Now I know what I want But it’s not exactly what I thought it was Now that’s probably a good thing If we just stay the way we are You and I can feel this moment come Built up from what we’ve become It’s all I know and all I see And it’s all that I can be But it’s something new to me So it’s the disappointment of 24 hour delayed That makes me think that, maybe I’ll never get home But thank goodness for, the letter that make me feel that Perhaps I will never be alone."

And of course:  

"Why are all of these Asian stereotypes so true?"

Hell yea.

I have no idea what the fuck is going on here but it's awesome.

How does nutsack taste?

Patrick Ewing can't get enough of the many flavors.

Yes!

Hip hip hooray for one poop a day!

My average prior to this week was approaching 5. Sometimes you just gotta grow up.

We done did it.

Now what the hell am I going to complain about? Oh yea, Americans are still idiots. Actually, people are still idiots.

Superman that ho.

Look at the size of that canvas.

This country is going places.

That's all I have to say about that.

Only MJ gets songs like this.

Charles Barkley's 4 favorite people in the world sing about MJ.

Mike Fernandez is a good guy, no doubt about it.

He's an idiot.

He admits that this might be the biggest waste of money in the history of currency but seriously, what the fuck? 190,000.00 Japanese Yen later (a bit over $2000) I'm not sure what exactly he accomplished. Things he could have accomplished with $2000 bones:

Well I was going to make a list but basically he could have had a ton of badass shit. Including, but not limited to, 400 minutes with the ladies in the windows in Amsterdam (I did the Math).

No Mike, thumbs fucking down. That thing better be able to save white women stranded atop skyscrapers, a highly unlikely scenario to begin with.

The beauty of missed connections.

"you honked at me from your station wagon - w4m (wicker park)"

"who are you? i couldn't make anything out through your window, besides a smile."

Craigslist is pretty unbelievable. Whenever I read the "missed connections" posts I either find myself muttering, "What a bunch of stupid motherfuckers," OR, "Man, I should try this out." I haven't yet been brave enough to look over the "m4w" missed connections because I'm nervous that most of them will be unbelievably perverted. I don't know how many, "I just want to stick my face in your booty"-comments I can handle...without wanting a booty for myself, to possibly stick my face in. But seriously, if I wanted to be a witness to full-fledged man-talk, I would just go to the YMCA or the Country Club (two completely different demographics) and listen to them talk about all things important in their lives: "pussy." (Sorry Barb, I just want you to know that I don't participate in these conversations. I just laugh and sometimes instigate. Nothing more, after all, I'm just a witness.)

Anyways, after wondering what I would do if I read a post that was directed for me from a "w" I quickly realized that even thinking about that possibility was absurd and a waste of time. Who would go out of there way to try to get to know me? Most likely someone too pathetic for me to give a chance. But I can't deny the idea that maybe these little posts will help me think of some sort of plan into coming up with a way to trick hardbodies into thinking I'm a cool guy. After a lot of, "I saw you on the Red Line wearing a black jacket, you looked at me a few times. I should have talked to you. I just want to let you know I want you to do more than just "look" at me,"-posts, there were too many strategies that have never helped me in the past. I stare at hardbodies all the time, and not once have I seen them pay any positive attention. Negative attention, indeed (I like to tell myself they change cars on the Blue Line because our car is too crowded. Too crowded with little asian perverts is probably the real reason.) After much research I'm still trying to figure out the ultimate strategy.

However, I did notice the progress some other guys are making.

I once heard an Irish comedian talk about how absurd it was that construction workers whistle at girls from five floors up. "Do they actually think the girl is going to drop her grocery bags, scale the scaffolding and do whatever the construction worker was planning on doing?" I sometimes wonder the same thing when males honk at women in their cars. Mexican dudes are the best at it. I've seen them honk at women from two blocks down, not taking their eyes off of them while continuing to obey all rules of the road, even stop signs and traffic lights. It is indeed a Jesus-given talent. This specific Craigslist post shows that Mexican dudes are finally succeeding at winning over women, one honk at a time.

Also, the fact that this dude was driving a station wagon while honking at this woman further lets me know he was indeed Mexican.


Get your honk on! It just might work.

The End.

I firmly believe it's tacky to make fun of the idea of suicide. However, I've gotten great joy at making fun of people that I believe should at least consider suicide. Just kidding. Kind of. Anyways, when I read this book was being released electronically so it would be more readily available to the target market (old people), I couldn't really believe that such a thing could exist. The title is indeed more thoughtful than one titled "Suicide for Dummies." I could imagine a Fall Out Boy-listening suburban kid, sick of school lunch, coming to the tipping point by merely look at the title realizing that their pathetic-ness is embodied in them seeking out a book that will help them figure out how to kill themselves. It might not get more pathetic than that. (I'm aware that I am basing this on a false assumption that this book is for people depressed from something other than old age suffering).

I love the fact that there is a "revised international edition." The only reason I could think of a need for revision for international purposes is because some unfortunate people in South America figured out that jumping off of a four foot tall hut made out of garbage wasn't going to achieve their goal. Even if they attempted a head first Olympic-like dive.

The thing about this that really puzzled me the most is that there are people who rated it on Amazon. I have several problems with this. If this is a book about the options in ending life, how are the people who read it alive to post a rating? Five stars for what exactly? I refuse to believe that anyone would read this for fun. A light summer read.

One reader posted, "...it is the only game in town at this time as far as I know so I'm glad that I have it in my library in spite of the high cost. " Huh? If you are looking into ending life. What does it matter if it the book cost $35? This guy might be the cheapest person ever. "I was going to end it all but it was just too damn expensive." (Good name for an Emo band?)

"Knowing that I have this book is such peace of mind for me and my boyfriend because should anything happen I want to control MY outcome." I can't even imagine how many times this couple has cried after sex.

"I gave it 2 stars because of the typography..." Wait...what? "You know I checked out this book from the library the other day and I thought it was going to tell me what pills I can take and where I could get them to kill myself but I could never get past how annoying the font was."

In a way these reader's opinions of the book perfectly embodies my idea of the type of people who need a book to tell them how to end life: people who never get over complaining about everything and anything...and then I read over everything I've ever written on this blog. A little too close to home.

Pretentiousness at its finest.

Dan found the most pretentious cd name to date. Marnie Stern's
This Is It and I Am It and You Are It and So Is That and He Is It and She Is It and It Is It and That Is That.
I found the most pretentious concert. A description of the show: We'll blindfold you, sit you down and Francisco will bombard you with ominous, environmental sounds, densely layered into dynamic abstraction and thunderous noise, until you can't help but create your own meaning for them, removed from all vision.

I can guess who will love both.

The Real John McCain.

At 3:31 into the video I suddenly had an epiphany. My vote is for John McCain. Backhandin' bitches since day one.

McCain's chance.

With the polls heavily favoring Obama, we should begin to wonder how the government is going to help McCain win. It should be rather obvious. After 5+ years of searching for the mean mothatrucka responsible for 9/11 the American people are desperate for change. Change in the plot of the surreal movie that has been taking place in this country for the past 8 years (subtitled Life in America). Change that results in a climax.

Let's face it, the main reason McCain and that cuntface (I forget her name) like to promise "victory" in Iraq is because they know that most Americans spend most of their time either watching shitty blockbusters or attempting to make their lives into shitty blockbusters. Rambo never loses. The Terminator never loses. Rocky never loses (except for that one time). If this were American logic class we would be able to deduce that America never loses. And Stallone almost never loses.

So in the next month expect the government to dress up a local tamale man with a beard and turban and call him Osama Bin Laden. McCain will parade around America claiming that if we would have trusted Obama and pulled out of Iraq, we would have never found Osama. It just might work. If people don't believe it's truly him, the government will just say it was a bad attempt at spicing up Halloween...and I'm certain most Americans will at least believe that.

Fresh shades.

I would like to look this cool.

Blackout? Hardly.

Tonight, the Chicago White Sox convinced a stadium of fans to wear nothing but black in attempt to create a "blackout!" The administration must have failed to realize that the vast majority of White Sox fans are white. And hillbillies. Wearing blackface would have been inappropriate and out of the question. Go Bulls!