Check out the 2009 graduating kindergarten class at the school my mom taught at. All of "hip" Urbana could not even come close to matching these little dudes' steez. Not a single person I know could pull these ridiculously fly suits off. While everyone is wondering what denim to buy for fall, these little dudes just keep shit straight classic and classy.
For a few months I've always overlooked the e-expression "FTW." I never had a clue as to what it meant and was far too lazy to look it up. Thanks to Urban Dictionary I found it means "for the win." Which I still don't understand. Let me try to use it in a highly fictional scenario.
Josh - Wow. Marty - Yea man, alright fuck this I'm going to go talk to her.
Marty - Hey, it's really coming down out there. What is up with all this rain? Hardbody - ...
Hardbody walks away. (N)FTW for Marty. (N=Not). I think that's about right. And this scenario is fictional because I would have never gone up to talk to Exhibit A. I would have just stared at her until she was uncomfortable enough to leave. That's my life, dig it.
I think almost every guy has asked the question, "Why do all the hot girls go out with such douchebags?" Except for the guys that are the "douchebags" of course. Then the only question they're asking is, "Can we keep the lights on?"
I, personally, don't see it like that all of the time. Sure, in college it was depressing to think that the never ending popularity contest was indeed never going to end. But this dude Marko Jaric, gives me hope. He may be an NBA basketball player, but he is not a superstar and from what I can see he is pretty painful to look at. I don't think it's the picture that is doing him an injustice. It's his eyes. Look at how unbelievably close together they are. Literally. I actually don't believe that's what he looks like. I think someone must have Photoshop'd this. I guess in the end, I don't really care what he looks like. Eyes that are too close together is easily overlooked when you have that type of hardbody hanging off your arm. Good for him.
Whenever a song no one has ever heard of is featured in a Mac commercial, the song receives overnight success. I just didn't know this dude was the one who wrote this song. What a liberal bunch.
I may deny saying this later in life, but oh well, Leonardo DiCaprio is the fucking man. I'm not very up-to-date on celebrity sightings but as far as I know, he's never caught doing lame shit. Like being seen at some "I'm Famous" party partaking in Hollywood talk, or dating some actress who thinks she's mega hot and ultra talented but really fails at both (see Cameron Diaz, she is in good shape though). Instead he only rocks with top notch breezies like Ms. Rafaeli.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Leonardo dates Rafael[i], while wearing Donatell[a]. That's all I got.
Although the Bulls are no longer hooping for the trophy, I would like to make sure that everyone knows that it has always been about the Bulls. All the other Chicago teams pale in comparison...literally, have you seen all the black guys on the Bulls?
Oh yea. This is the picture we're going to use when Al goes missing for a few years. The Feds will never figure out that the prime suspect is also pictured. And that mu-fucka ain't wearin no Bulls hat.
Let's be grateful that this guy is holding his peter hostage. I just can't imagine what he was trying to accomplish with this picture. Sex? With what species of animal?
I have never been more uninterested/scared of a movie release than I am with Observe and Report. It's not that I'm sick of Seth Rogen or the fact that him and his gang of "normal" white guys keep coming out with the exact same movie under a different name. It's because this new Mall Cop movie really provides a scapegoat to all the people I talk shit to (millions). Never once have I seen myself, physically speaking, in a character more than that of these two silly looking chinamen. Well, I guess that's not entirely true. Every time I see Mr. Denzel or Will Smith droppin' the hammer on some bitch ass motherfuckers I find myself saying, "Yea, that's like what I do."
This is comparable to when "McLovin" was a huge success among all the Will Ferrell worshipers. All the short white guys with glasses had to hear, "McLovin, boom chicka wah!" Or whatever other stupid shit that mark ass bitch had to say for himself. Now, I'm going to have to hear, "What's up Yuan twin, [insert unoriginal catch phrase here]," from all those I've offended. Not cool at all.
One of these days there is going to be a movie where a little asian lookin dude saves Kristen Bell or Jessica Biel from a terrible relationship because of his charm and intelligence. Actually, I wouldn't bet on it.
Friday, April 03, 2009
Ying Yang Twins to Change Name After Another Brother is Found.
The Hip-Hop culture in America has finally gotten its much-needed makeover. After weeks of DNA tests, it has finally been proven that the young gentleman pictured above is indeed the third part to the Ying Yang gang.
“You know whenever they whispered on that one song, they as in my new brothers Kaine and D-Roc, I listened and just felt a part of me in the crunk-itude,” said Marty C. newly named “M-Cizzle,” by himself. “It’s a soft ‘C’ sound.” The overwhelming happiness could not go unnoticed as M-Cizzle stood up at the press conference and said he’d like to see the all-male group of news reporters “whistle while they twurk,” making it obvious he didn’t fully understand the meaning of the expression.
It hasn’t been all smiles though. Kaine and D-Roc, the original twins, had harsh words to say about their new brother. “Dude corny, plain and simple,” said Kaine the one responsible for the weird screaming that accompanies most Ying Yang Twins tracks. “I mean, first of all he’s from Chicago. We the Kings of the ATL, how the hell do he think he a part of this?”
Planning on moving to Atlanta to be closer to his family M-Cizzle talks excitedly about meeting his brothers. He also has new ideas for the fading rap duo, “I’d like to whistle on some songs and you know I love my brothers, but I think the grunting and yelling in the background has really been a bit lackluster on their latest tracks.”
D-Rock, still not knowing what to make out of all the news, has been a little bit more open-minded, “You know, I talked to Marty the other night and he seemed like a nice dude and all and had some really good ideas. He talkin’ about getting back to our roots. Singin’ and rappin’ about shit we love. Clothes, bank rolls, and hoz. I agree. We’ll make it happen.”
The news has come as a shock to many Hip-Hop heads around the country but many are curious to see what will happen with the new member of the group. Hip-Hop sales have been down because of the lack of creativity and dishonest portrayal of what should be embraced in the music. When asked recently if M-Cizzle will be the breath of fresh air Hip-Hop music needs, Kaine replied, “Does this mu-fucka even know we ain’t real twins? We ain’t related. Who did these DNA tests? Now we gon’ have to be the Ying Yang Triplets? That don’t even make no sense.”
