Indoor Sunglass Wearing: An Introduction

Believe you me, sunglasses are noted to be one of the most useful products invented A.D. They are practical and serve well in a variety of situations. Although I’m not sure who invented them, I’ve deduced a few intelligent insights that will help us create a mental image of this hero. The person was most likely a male, because females weren’t allowed to invent things other than female hygiene accessories until JFK was president, and we know sunglasses predate that (The Suffrage Movement: Part Deux). This person was also probably Caucasian because it seems that every brown culture has physically evolved into beings that are not overwhelmingly frustrated with sunlight. (Bad business idea: Asian sunglasses company that only sells in Asia. Great business idea: Abuse of Asia’s lax labor laws and sunglasses are exported to Western countries). I came to this conclusion because I can easily think of many specific Caucasian faces wearing sunglasses but not a single Arab (rich Saudis don’t count). Brown people generally tend to wear them as a stylistic accessory. So we can think of sunglasses as white people’s evolving attempt at brown skin. Sunglass wearers:


From Left to Right: Ex-Cubs pitcher Kyle Farnsworth, Dale Earnhardt, The Artist Nan Goldin, Ryan Reynolds, and Mr. Food. (Please Click image)

So you see baseball players, racecar drivers, domestic abuse victims, fashionistas, and perverts wear sunglasses (from left to right). Fun Fact: A good way to tell a pervert from a baseball player is to see if the person’s sunglasses remain on when they enter a building. On=pervert, Off=baseball player.

I believe it is perfectly acceptable to wear sunglasses when it is sunny out. Watching white people without sunglasses in extreme sunlight can be somewhat degrading as an “Asian”-American. I get overwhelmingly frustrated before I realize that they aren’t mocking me (or maybe they’re using the sunlight as an excuse to mock me). However, before this past weekend I agreed with Larry David in that there are only two types of people who wear sunglasses indoors, blind people and assholes. Times have changed.

1) Blind People: The reasons blind people wear sunglasses should be fairly obvious if you read at a 2nd grade level. And if you don’t read at least at that level, it’s not because blind people don’t want to see people laughing at their disability (or is it handicap?). It’s because seeing people don’t want to give blind people the chance of leading them on. A true example of how people don’t give those less fortunate enough respect. Example:


2) Assholes: Sometimes synonymous with “hipsters”, however, there is a vast variety of people that fall into this category. It could be your grandmother who is too lazy or too “I’m old I can do whatever the hell I want.” It could be someone who forgot their regular glasses in the car, which makes them even more of an asshole because they are too lazy to go and get them. But also, it could be those who have never let go of that one time they felt important. The person who wrote the song you hear when you call the cable company to pay your bill. The person who caught Ringo’s drumstick at that one concert. The person who was awarded the title “Most Likely To Succeed” in high school (and now is severely depressed and a college drop out). And lastly, those less fortunate like the person who invented Crocs. And the people that wear them. The person who says, “Believe you me…” or “What’s the dealio?” Etc.


3) Those who are attempting to avoid Unbelievable Assholes: Over the weekend while hanging out with a friend we decided to get a meal at a local restaurant. Well I guess it should be noted that it could be accurately described as a burger joint. I was enjoying my meal when I spotted an asshole fraternity brother across the street walking around with shorts and sandals. Anything missing from that list of clothing? It’s acceptable to take your shirt off at the beach but walking down a busy street is really not the ideal location. Especially when it is barely over 70 degrees (Fahrenheit). As he passed by I let out a sigh and a laugh and diverted my attention to something else. Two minutes of enjoyable conversation passed when the door opened abruptly and was immediately followed by an “Oh no!” This caught my attention quickly and I turned to my left to face the very person who two minutes prior represented everything that is wrong with the world. My cheese fries curdled and my hamburger quickly tasted like charcoal. In an attempt to see everything a little less clear I put on my sunglasses. Unfortunately it only gave me a reason to stare at the sonofabitch who was now enjoying a hotdog/hamburger combo with a medium fry and a large Mountain Dew, alongside his better than average looking girlfriend. It gave me an excuse to look at him because I knew he wouldn’t be able to see me eye-fucking-him-up.

Sure the owner of the eatery made a quick comment, “No shirts today?” but he wasn’t serious, how could he be? His fake tan lead me to believe that he was dying to take his shirt off too and his comment was filled with tones of jealousy. The only thing keeping it on was probably the two previous citations and the loss of business he received from the previous two times he thought it would be acceptable to serve up an Italian beef, shirtless. As my appetite quickly faded my thirst for blood quickly elevated. After thinking it was probably a bad idea to take my own shirt off and scream, “How the fuck do you like it?” I tried to come up with reasons to justify why bro-mosapien thought it would be completely fine to walk into a food establishment completely shirtless. I couldn’t do it. I was mad at this point but not nearly as mad as I was when I realized this guy didn’t even consider a shirt. He woke up that morning, put on a pair of floral board shorts, slipped on his flip-flops, grabbed his keys, and made his way out of his cave. The thought, “Am I missing an important article of clothing?” never crossed his mind. As soon as he stepped outside shirtless, with no intent of going to the beach, he fulfilled his role as “Asshole.” When he stepped into an eatery he was awarded his promotion to “Unbelievable Asshole.” As I stared through the window I couldn’t help but considering paying the extremely fat Mexican guy wearing a button up shirt and work pants, trimming the plants across the street who somehow managed to keep his shirt on in the blistering heat, a few dollars to walk into the restaurant with his shirt off and sit next to the guy’s girlfriend. Instead I threw out the rest of my food, put my head down and walked straight out of the building. It’s a good thing sunglasses can hide tears too.

Marty