I was Martin: You're Welcome, Hallmark.

It would be preposterous for me to claim that Hallmark has any interest in what I have to say but I feel as if it is my duty to bring to their attention a very grand idea. We (as Americans) have always felt the need to go the extra step to say, "Hey, I really appreciate what you did for me." Awkwardness scares many people from saying these kind words directly to someone. We like to be nice but we don't want to sound weak or be exposed. Hiding behind our pride, we've come up with several ways to show gratification that places us a few steps back, making it more comfortable to be appreciative. 'Tipping' someone is almost exclusively American in that we give people extra money for doing their job, all the while making it seem like a reward. I happen to believe it's just a power thing, people rarely give big tips as a reward but more often as an example of status. But anyways, it still is a form of saying 'Thank You'.
The idea of a 'Thank You' card seems even more ridiculous to me. After numerous events, people feel the need to send a card that gives thanks. Often times a 'Thank You' is given (in person) to the guest from the person who has received a gift of some sort. The gift can be anything from a digital camera or just the act of kindness for showing up. Shouldn't it stop there? I can almost see a 'Thank You' card being necessary if grandma and grandpa living in Idaho sent you a nice pair of socks for Christmas since you couldn't 'share' the holiday with them. Call them up on the phone, give them thanks that way, I'm sure they'll be much more satisfied hearing it from you and maybe even having a conversation. If you don't have a phone, don't just send a 'Thank You' card, write them a letter and express how thankful you are and give them an update on the things you occupy your day with. If you don't know how to write, you are probably too young to be thankful and you get a free pass anyways because you're so darn cute, or you're uneducated and well, you shouldn't have to go out of your way being thankful because somehow you have been overlooked (or you chose not to learn how and in that case you are way too bad of a muthafucka to be writing 'Thank You' cards in the first place). (Fuck the police).

When people usually say 'Thank You' to me in The Real World, I, like some people, respond 'You're Welcome'. I actually find it kind of odd when someone doesn't acknowledge a 'Thank You' with either a 'mmhmm' or a 'No problem' or any of the appropriate responses. Silence after a 'Thank You' is an informal version of 'You owed it to me (sonofabitch)'. So since it doesn't look like Hallmark is going to stop selling 'Thank You' cards and people aren't going to stop sending them, shouldn't there be that necessary response that insecure people like me need when shelling out a 'Thank You' to a person who I should consider a friend but I don't because I'm too much of an idiot to accept commitment? Where the hell is my 'You're Welcome' card? Why must I feel bad when I can't have the quick and cheap way of being cordial that the 'Thank You' card-senders have ready-access to?

Now I guess I should note that I don't really receive 'Thank You' cards from people because a)I don't give gifts, b)I try not to do nice things for people, and c)most of my friends are pricks. It's 'd' all of the above. Even though it would be like a homework assignment to have to send a 'You're Welcome' card to someone, I think that in many occasions it would work. Hallmark should at least give people the opportunity to send a 'You're Welcome' card with a silly picture of a cute little dog on it. Or even if you want to write in 'Now you owe me a favor!' inside the card, thats fine by me too.
So anyways, I leave you with a true story. I am named after a character on a Hallmark commercial. My mom told me a few weeks ago and I've been looking up ways to legally change my name (and my parents) since. Well, not really. Maybe being named after something like this is the exact reason why I desperately try to avoid the heartlessness and soullessness of the 'Martin' label. I'm running from 'Martin' but sadly, I know I will never reach the sunset. So I must acknowledge the fact that "everything I'm not made me everything I am" (-Kanye). To rid myself of a pride that has only hindered my existence, I would like to 'e-Thank You' Hallmark. Now there's nothing left for me to do except wait for a 'You're Welcome' card. That would make me happy.

-Marty